In human nature, the concept of scarcity influences our perception of value. Whether it’s a limited-edition sneaker, a rare collectible, or a sold-out concert ticket, the harder something is to get, the more we desire it. This same principle often applies to romantic attraction. We frequently hear advice like “play hard to get” or “people want what they can’t have,” but is there any psychological truth to it?
The scarcity effect suggests that when something is less available, it appears more valuable. In the context of dating, when a person seems selective, elusive, or difficult to attain, they may become more desirable in the eyes of others. But does scarcity truly enhance attraction, or is it just an illusion?
Why We Want What We Can’t Have
Psychologists have long studied how scarcity impacts human decision-making. In the 1975 “cookie jar study” by Worchel, Lee, and Adewole, participants were given a jar of cookies—one jar contained ten cookies, while another contained only two. Even though the cookies were identical, participants consistently rated the scarcer cookies as more desirable. This study helped shape the psychological principle that perceived rarity increases perceived value.
In dating, this translates to how we perceive potential partners. The less available someone appears, the more we may assume they possess qualities worth pursuing. Several key psychological mechanisms explain this effect:
- The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): When someone isn’t readily available, we fear missing a rare opportunity, which intensifies our attraction.
- Cognitive Dissonance: We justify our pursuit of unavailable individuals by convincing ourselves they must be exceptionally valuable.
- The Law of Supply and Demand: A person who is frequently pursued by others signals high social value, making them appear more attractive.
While these psychological biases influence how we perceive attraction, does playing hard to get always work in our favor?
Does Playing Hard to Get Really Work?
The strategy of playing hard to get is built on the idea that scarcity increases desirability. Some people believe that by delaying responses, appearing indifferent, or limiting availability, they can make themselves appear more attractive. Research offers mixed insights into whether this tactic actually works.
Studies That Support Playing Hard to Get
In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, researchers found that when someone is initially uninterested but later becomes receptive, they are perceived as more attractive than someone who is immediately available. This aligns with the idea that selective behavior signals exclusivity and increases perceived value.
Similarly, a study in Psychological Science found that people feel more invested in romantic prospects when there is some uncertainty about how much the other person likes them. This creates a dopamine-driven feedback loop, where we seek validation by continuing to pursue someone who remains slightly out of reach.
The Limits of Scarcity in Dating
However, playing hard to get can backfire if taken to an extreme. A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that while moderate unavailability can increase attraction, complete unavailability or rejection leads to decreased interest. If someone appears too difficult to attain, people may assume they aren’t interested at all and move on.
Additionally, research suggests that attraction is strongest when scarcity is combined with warmth and responsiveness. Being unavailable alone doesn’t create attraction—people still want to feel valued and desired.
The Role of Social Proof in Attraction
Scarcity in dating isn’t just about individual behavior—it’s also about how others perceive us. Social proof is the idea that people look to others when determining value. In dating, this means that individuals who are desired by others often become more attractive.
- Celebrity Effect: People tend to be more attracted to individuals who are admired by a larger audience, whether it’s a social media influencer or a well-liked person in their social circle.
- Romantic Competition: Studies show that people rate potential partners as more attractive when they see them being pursued by others. This is why love triangles or rivalries often create heightened attraction in romantic narratives.
- Preselection Bias: When someone has been in a previous relationship, they are often seen as more desirable because another person has already “vetted” them as a potential partner.
This form of scarcity creates an illusion of exclusivity, making individuals appear like a limited and high-value resource.
When Scarcity Backfires
While scarcity can create attraction, it can also lead to toxic dating dynamics. Some people use manipulative tactics to create artificial scarcity, such as ghosting, breadcrumbing, or hot-and-cold behavior. While this may trigger short-term interest, it often results in frustration, insecurity, and emotional detachment.
Psychologists warn that artificial scarcity can:
- Trigger anxiety and self-doubt in the person pursuing an unavailable individual.
- Encourage unhealthy power dynamics where one person controls the pace of the relationship.
- Lead to emotional burnout when someone is constantly seeking validation.
Genuine attraction thrives on mutual interest, not just psychological games. Playing too hard to get can push away people looking for genuine emotional connections rather than a chase.
Scarcity vs. Authenticity
While scarcity can heighten attraction, it is most effective when paired with genuine connection and interest. Research suggests that:
- People are most attracted to those who show selectivity but are also warm and responsive when engaged.
- Exclusivity in a relationship (choosing someone intentionally) is more attractive than simple unavailability.
- The most successful romantic relationships are built on both attraction and emotional reciprocity.
Instead of relying solely on scarcity as a dating strategy, a more effective approach is to be confident, self-sufficient, and discerning in your choices, while also fostering meaningful connections.
The psychology behind attraction is complex, and while scarcity can enhance desirability, it works best when balanced with authentic interest and emotional investment.
